Battling with my Inner Demons
This is for those of you who would like to know a little bit more about my thought process. If you want to skip all of this preamble, then just click the button below to go straight to the stories.
I know that the stories I write, especially those set in dark fantasy worlds like the one revolving around Cruella, might give you the wrong impression about who I am. On the surface, they seem cruel, twisted, even harmful, but that couldn’t be further from the truth of who I am in reality. What I write is pure fantasy; an expression of my inner turmoil, a way to confront the darker parts of the world and myself. In real life, I am an incredibly empathetic person, perhaps more than most, because I constantly battle these inner demons.
The stories I create come from that battle. They’re my way of working through the pain, the sadness, and the injustice I feel when I see what people are capable of. But the cruelty I write about is not something I endorse; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. I love animals deeply, and I could never condone harm toward them or any living being. I also have a deep respect for good people. I cherish kindness and would never wish harm on anyone who didn’t deserve it. The darkness in my stories comes from grappling with the darkness in the world, not from my desire to create it.
I think a big part of this inner struggle comes from the fact that we live in a world where evil is real; where cruelty, injustice, and selfishness have shaped so much of human history. I know that if these things didn’t exist, if humanity wasn’t capable of such harm, I wouldn’t have the same fuel for my imagination. It’s the evil in the world that feeds my inner demons, not some darkness inside me. Writing is how I process that, how I confront it. If the world were a kinder place, I’d have no need for these stories.
In my mind, it’s a way to make sense of the senselessness, to explore the evil that horrifies me, so I don’t get swallowed up by it. The darkness I write about helps me clarify and solidify my own sense of morality and empathy. By imagining these worlds and these cruel characters, I can get a clearer view of what I truly stand for in real life; compassion, kindness, and protection of the innocent.
Maybe you feel this way too, like you have inner demons that you’re fighting. Maybe you’ve seen or experienced things that shook your faith in humanity, that left a mark on you. I know I have. In my childhood and throughout life, I was exposed to the darker sides of human nature; whether through personal experiences or learning about the atrocities of history. Those experiences left a deep impression on me. They planted seeds that grew into this constant battle in my mind, forcing me to grapple with questions of cruelty and kindness, good and evil.
Writing these stories is my outlet. They’re how I make sense of the weight I carry. If I didn’t have this creative space, I think the darkness of the world might overwhelm me. By creating these fantasies, I can release some of that heaviness and explore these difficult emotions from a safe distance. But it’s important to understand that these stories are a reflection of the evil in the world, not of who I am.
I would never harm anyone or anything in real life. I despise cruelty in reality. The characters I create and the worlds they inhabit are simply a way for me to engage with the darker sides of life without becoming consumed by them. I imagine you might have your own ways of confronting these inner demons; whether through writing, art, or even just in your thoughts. It doesn’t make us bad people; it just means we’re trying to navigate a complicated world in the best way we know how.
In the end, my stories don’t define me. They’re just a reflection of the internal struggle I go through, trying to reconcile the good in my heart with the darkness I see in the world. And I think many of us feel this way; we just need an outlet, a way to process it, so we can keep going and hold onto the light.
My work, the stories I write, aren’t meant to promote any kind of activity or to encourage any specific behavior from those who read them. That’s not the point at all. In fact, these stories aren’t even about celebrating darkness; they’re about understanding it. I’m possibly trying to reach out to others who are also fighting similar inner battles, people who might feel like they’re alone in their struggles with inner demons. After all, I’m not the only one who has been through things like bullying or abuse, or who has dealt with trauma that left deep scars on the soul.
I hope that through my writing, I can connect with others who are struggling too. I want them to realize that having these kinds of thoughts or fantasies doesn’t define you. Just because we explore dark themes in our imagination doesn’t mean we’re dark or evil in real life. We’re simple beings, and there’s so much we don’t understand about our own minds. We don’t always know why certain things affect us so deeply or why some experiences become so ingrained in us that they surface in strange, sometimes unsettling, ways.
Having strange fantasies doesn’t necessarily make us bad people. It’s part of the human experience to have all kinds of thoughts; some of which scare us or make us feel isolated. And that’s the thing: feeling isolated because of the thoughts or emotions we battle with can be one of the hardest parts of this journey. But if you’re feeling like that, if you’re struggling with these kinds of inner conflicts, then know this; you are not alone.
Many people may never understand what it’s like to go through this mental back-and-forth, to face the kind of internal chaos we sometimes do. And while they might not understand it, that doesn’t mean our experiences aren’t valid. Through the worlds and fantasies I create, I hope to provide a space where maybe, just maybe, we can start to understand each other. I hope it shows that we are not alone in feeling this way; that there are others who understand what it’s like to grapple with dark thoughts and complex feelings while still being good, kind, and compassionate in the real world.
But it’s important to distinguish between those of us who know this is pure fantasy and those who can no longer separate fantasy from reality. I’m talking about people who actually act on their darkest urges; the serial killers, war criminals, dictators, and others who cross lines of no return. Those people are driven by a different kind of darkness, one that moves beyond fantasy into the real world with devastating consequences. The irony is that these truly evil people, the ones who wreak havoc on the world, are often the very inspirations for the darker stories that haunt our minds. They are the sources of the cruelty and evil that we see in history and in life, and their actions shape the nightmares we create in our art.
It’s a cruel twist of fate, really; that the most horrific real-life figures give birth to the fantasies we explore to cope with the darkness in our minds. The mind, as they say, is truly a complicated place. But for those of us who understand the difference between fantasy and reality, these dark thoughts and imaginings are simply part of how we process the complexities of life. They don’t define us, and they certainly don’t dictate who we are in the real world.
So, if you’re like me, and you sometimes feel trapped by your own thoughts or conflicted about the darkness you imagine, remember this: You are not alone. And as long as we can recognize that our inner demons are just that; demons to be confronted, not to be embraced or acted upon; then there’s still light in us. We are not evil for exploring the shadows of our minds. We are simply trying to make sense of a complicated, often painful world.
And I know the number one question on your mind might be, “Why do your stories concentrate on cruel women?” It’s a fair question, but first, let me clarify that this is only one of the subjects I write about. My body of work spans a wide range of horror genres: traditional horror with werewolves, vampires, witches, aliens, and other monsters. This website, however, has a specific focus, and that’s why women are so prevalent in this particular subcategory of horror. It’s a niche that explores certain dynamics, but it doesn’t encompass all of my creative work.
That said, there’s no denying that there’s something unique about the theme of cruel women in horror. It taps into a deeper layer of psychological complexity because women are traditionally seen in society as nurturers, caregivers, and symbols of kindness or purity. So, when women in horror take on a darker, crueler role, it subverts that expectation, compounding the horror and adding an element of shock and discomfort that might not be as potent if the villain were male. It’s the contrast that heightens the fear and intrigue, making the dynamics of horror more profound. When someone who is expected to embody compassion turns into a figure of cruelty, it feels more jarring; and that adds an extra psychological punch to the narrative.
Of course, there’s another element to this subcategory, one that’s hard to ignore: the heightened level of sexual intrigue and arousal that often comes with it. This specific combination of horror and sexual tension creates a powerful mental dilemma. On one hand, the horror triggers fear, disgust, or even revulsion, while on the other hand, the sexual aspect pulls in emotions of desire and arousal. These conflicting feelings intensify the inner battle, blurring the lines between what is frightening and what is alluring.
Sexual attraction, especially when combined with fantasy, is a fundamental part of human experience. Whether it’s attraction to the opposite sex or the same sex, these feelings are natural. But when they are interwoven with darker themes, like those in horror, they provoke complex reactions within us; reactions we don’t always fully understand. The fact is, sexual intrigue, like inner demons, is a part of being human. It’s something we contend with in our minds, and sometimes it mixes with darker emotions, creating a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and desires.
It’s not uncommon for people to be drawn to the overlap between fear and desire. Horror, in particular, often plays with this combination. Fear makes our senses sharper, heightens our awareness, and that can naturally lead to increased emotional responses, including sexual arousal. It’s part of the same psychological mechanism that makes adrenaline-fueled experiences feel intense and intoxicating. So when you combine horror with sexual tension, it’s no surprise that it stirs up a complex range of emotions; emotions that can be both unsettling and fascinating.
In the case of my stories, the theme of cruel women, who are often portrayed as powerful and dominant, adds another layer to this equation. There’s an inherent psychological tension in stories where the protagonist, who traditionally would be a figure of nurturing or beauty, wields cruelty instead. That tension often triggers an unusual mix of fear and attraction; again, emotions that can exist simultaneously, despite how contradictory they might seem.
But it’s important to remember that these fantasies; whether they involve fear, attraction, or both; are just that: fantasies. They don’t define who we are as people. In fact, they often help us process the very real emotions and experiences we struggle with. For some, this intersection of horror and sexual intrigue is a way to explore their inner conflicts, their demons, and their complex feelings about power, fear, and attraction. The mind is an incredibly complicated thing, and we don’t fully understand why certain images, themes, or fantasies trigger the responses they do. But just because something excites us in a fantasy doesn’t mean it’s a reflection of our real desires or who we are in reality.
The truth is, many people are wrestling with their own inner battles, which can include fear, sexual desire, and the struggle to reconcile these two powerful forces. For those of us who recognize that these are purely mental exercises; fantasies that remain confined to our imagination; we’re simply trying to make sense of human complexity. It’s not about acting on these feelings; it’s about understanding them.
So, if you find yourself struggling with these kinds of thoughts; feeling a pull between fear and desire, between attraction and revulsion; know that you’re not alone. Many of us grapple with these contradictions, and it’s part of the human condition to have inner demons that we don’t fully understand. It’s not about being evil or immoral; it’s about exploring the depths of the mind, acknowledging the complexity of being human, and knowing that these thoughts don’t define us.
In the end, the combination of horror and sexual intrigue is just another way we confront the darker, more complicated sides of our psyche. For some of us, it’s a way to understand power dynamics, our own fears, and the confusing emotional reactions we have to things that are both frightening and alluring. And if that’s something you’re wrestling with, just remember: